My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
