Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
