I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
