You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
