He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
