I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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