My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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