as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
