I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
