Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
