your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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