If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
