He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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