that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
