my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
