did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
