I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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