This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
