Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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