Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
