remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
