and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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