she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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