Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
