Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
