Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize