She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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