Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
