i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
