I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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