I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
