I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
