i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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