this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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