i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
