My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
