I can text with my tongue
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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