I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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