Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i think i have two assholes
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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