Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
