he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Never joke about your clitoris.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
