He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
kristin has been a bad kristin
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
