i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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