she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
