i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
