hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize