I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
