you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
