I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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