No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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