she woke up with a sticky ear
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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