How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
