i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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