All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
