I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
