u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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