My room smells like vodka and shame
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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